I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
