I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
