Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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