Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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