we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
