i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Michael Bay diarrhea
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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