Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
