I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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