I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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