it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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