If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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