I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
