he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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