I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
