someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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