I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I AM VODKA MAN
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
This toilet bowl is my home.
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