Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
