Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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