I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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