she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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