my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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