New low: just hacked my moms facebook
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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