Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
