I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
