i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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