I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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