Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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