recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
