saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
