I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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