you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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