Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
