After last night, I could never be a politician.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
bring money and cleavage
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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