We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
