I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
