I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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