yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize