we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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