I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
do herpes really smell.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
