my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
