guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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