You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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