so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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