I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
