Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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