I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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