just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
