So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
