I wish I could teleport
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
