Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
