dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
