A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Couch. On fire.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
