I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
