Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
