I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
