with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
