i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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