I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
