I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
