I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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