i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize