and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
