Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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