I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
areolas are like halos for boobs.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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