I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
