I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
