I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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